Toike Oike Logo

Penis Enlargement for Dummies

Men, we all know the old saying: it’s not the motion of the ocean, but the size of the boat that counts. Regrettably, not all of us were born with the gift of a large penis, leaving us feeling deeply insecure about whether or not we can please the women or men we love or win in a cock fight. There is hope though, as you will learn in this short (like your penis) column relating a few basic ways to make your dick bigger, ranging from the arcane to the technologically advanced. Not all of the methods listed here will work for you: everyone’s johnson is different and has special needs. As long as you take care and treat your wiener with all the love and attention in your heart, your porksicle will give back what you put in.

 

1. Jelqing – Jelqing is a classical American penis enlargement technique that involves pinching your trouser snake – hard! – and pulling down along it – hard! Developed by materials scientists in the late 50s in response to a wave of Russian fear (communists being known to have relatively large penises), the method works by inducing plastic deformations in your tissue, which over time stack up and lengthen your donger. If you have low grip strength, we recommend using a vise to pinch as it is the safest way to do so without your bare hands.

 

2. Penis Removal – As we all know, penises are like hair: when removed, they grow back thicker. So if a severe lack of girth is your problem, a penis removal may be just what you need. Penis removal is a safe operation that requires little technical skill – you can do it yourself at home. If you find that your beef baton doesn’t grow back, contact your doctor, as you may suffer from male-pattern penis loss.

 

3. Rhino Horn and Other Edibles– In ancient China, rhino horn was believed to increase sexual prowess and penis size, among other animal products such as snake whiskey, bananas, kosher salt, and the juice of half a lemon. For rhino horn, the best route of administration is to crush it into a fine powder and rub it on your teeth. Contrary to popular belief, it is perfectly legal to buy and sell rhino horn, and you are likely to find some at your local Spadina pharmacy if you ask.

 

4. Magic and Rituals –   We’ve saved the most extreme method by far for last. Use this only as a last resort. Do not under any circumstances abuse this method, as it may cause your beastus maximus to become too ginormous. Believe it or not, this can be problematic; for example, you may pleasure your partner so much that they fall into a coma. Some doctors have reported men being cured of male-pattern penis loss after using this method several times a day.

 

5. Buying a Hummer, Motorcycle, or Noisy Vehicle and Driving at 120 km/h in a Quiet Neighbourhood – We’ve saved the most extreme method by far for last. Use this only as a last resort. Do not under any circumstances abuse this method, as it may cause your beastus maximus to become too ginormous. Believe it or not, this can be problematic; for example, you may pleasure your partner so much that they fall into a coma. Some doctors have reported men being cured of male-pattern penis loss after using this method several times a day.

 

This For Dummies book only provides a cursory glance at techniques for hulking out your Bruce Banner. We hope these methods work for you; however, if you’re hungry for more, check out Advanced Penis Enlargement for Dummies, where we look at Ericsson’s famous Hammer Method and team-based approaches to embiggening your beaver buster.