The Engineer (Machinator fabrica)
Likes: Free-body diagrams, Linux, cheap beer
The Engineer is one of the rarer creatures at U of T. Their workload combined with the University’s outdated equipment confine them to labs for days on end, and even when free they seem to prefer darkness to the light of day. The distinguishing features of the Engineer are its scruffy neckbeard and putrid stench. There is no need for us to describe the smell; you will know it when it hits you.
The ArtSci (Discipulus inutilis)
Likes: Partying, self-discovery, living the college life Hollywood promised all of us
Dislikes: Productivity, sobriety
The Artsci is the most readily spotted animal at UofT, given the hours it spends at Robarts where it nests throughout the school year. Like the hummingbird, it is known to dart between faculties throughout the day, with many returning to their haunts long after graduation. It seems to like the taste of sugar water from Starbucks and beer from the many bars on campus, like St. Michael’s College.
The LifeSci (Scholasticus sanguinarius)
Likes: 4.0 GPA, bird courses to boost its GPA
Dislikes: Anything that stands between it and medical school
When you first meet a Lifesci, it will seem like a kind, genuine being who could become a close friend. Make no mistake: it is one of the most bloodthirsty and vicious creatures prowling the streets of U of T. Beneath its wool fleece lie some 59 knives of various materials and strength. If you threaten its chances to get into med school, or are mistaken for doing so, it is probably too late to start running.
The Tenured Professor (Magister possessius)
Likes: Chillin’ like a villain
Dislikes: Doing stuff
The tenured professor has achieved what many of us dream of: a six-figure salary, baller benefits, and a virtual guarantee of never losing its job. As you can probably guess, it gives absolutely no fucks about anything any more. Having relied for so long on slaving graduate students for research output, the tenured professor is more likely to show up to class in a Notorious B.I.G. shirt than publish a first-author paper.
The Asshole TA (Phallus erectus)
Likes: Giving undergraduates a hard time
Dislikes: Contributing to the education of undergraduates
Some say the Asshole TA was once an undergraduate who became lost in the bowels of Gerstein library. Others say it was driven mad by countless hours of research. All we can say for sure is that it feeds on the hopes and dreams of hapless undergraduates. Be warned: leaving your final answer on quiz as 0.5 instead of ½ might just earn you a 0, and if your lab equipment fails you had better have an extra set in your back pocket.