One afternoon, I looked at the two couples in my friend group and thought they were very cute; unfortunately, they were both straight couples, and I couldn’t possibly stand for hetslop. I’d been asked many times before if I enjoyed hetslop couples in media, and, while there were some I could get behind, they still irked me. It was then, while looking at the two men (who we will call Toe and Stair) in the relationships, that I realized that if I imagined them as Butch Lesbians, hetslop would turn into Peak Yuri.

My theory evolved from there, if my man friends could be butch lesbians, then this could apply to any and all men, and consequently turn any hetslop couple into Peak Yuri. To quote Stair, one of the two man-turned-butch-lesbian (MTBL) in my group,“I am Yuri with my girlfriend and Yaoi with Toe (the other MTBL).” As further evidence that all men are butch lesbians, you need only confer to the conventions of masculinity: nowadays, men aren’t gentlemen that open the doors, bring flowers, and remember the little details about their partners, but for butch lesbians that’s FATHOMS below the bare minimum!

Now, lesbianism is a spectrum, and although butch may apply to many men, I can assure you there are other types of men who would fit perfectly along the lesbian spectrum. For example, Stair isn’t quite a Butch Lesbian—he is for sure a femboy, which would land him on the more femme side of the lesbian spectrum. Another other good mention, and a classic, would be Romeo, from Romeo and Juliet, who would be better described as more of a tomboy lesbian, not necessarily full butch. Delving deeper, many men who do not necessarily fit into the “Butch Lesbian” term are those who are, ironically enough, very comfortable with their masculinity and femininity; often, those men who are seen as the Typical Man are best suited for the Butch Lesbian role.

You see, ‘tis common knowledge that every lesbian has that one man that they know in their hearts is a butch lesbian. A very common example is Gregory House from House MD (with the femme obviously being Wilson, though the enjoyment of Hilson as Yaoi is also acceptable).The one I choose is Nick Cage: my personal favorite he/him lesbian. Across all the movies he’s starred in he has all the quintessential lesbian traits: the heart-aching yearning for his lesbian partner (Family Man Butch Lesbian, 2000; The Rock, 1996; Gone in 60 Seconds, 2000), the bad-ass action and soul-piercing smolder (Ghost Rider, 2007; Willy’s Wonderland, 2021; Face/Off, 1997), and of course, being the Butch Lesbian counterpart to his gay—sometimes twink—sidekick (National Treasure, 2004; The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent, 2022). Finally, it would be remiss of me to not mention that Nick lives alone with his cat, Merlin.

Now, one question you might be asking is, “can this really fix every type of hetslop? Even the bad gross disgusting hetslop where the man is all creepy and perverted and says disgusting stuff to the woman?” And my answer would be: absolutely. Because when a butch lesbian does it, it’s hot as fuck. Another fantastic example of couples being fixed by a MTBL are Lady Godiva and Mr. Mrs. Blue and Gold; I’m sure their wedding next year will be exquisite #wlw.

So, dear reader, I implore you, the next time you see hetslop you cannot fathomably enjoy on screen or in real life, simply imagine the man as a butch lesbian, and all your problems shall be solved.