ENGLAND – Following controversy around the dangerous sausage kerbs lining many of the series’ most famous tracks, Formula 1 has announced a slew of ground-breaking (pool-digging?) changes that promise to up the ante for everyone.

“By replacing the dreaded kerbs with 9-foot shark tanks, we really feel that the legacy of Formula 1 will be preserved for generations to come,” said a spokesperson when prompted for comments. “It adds a new dimension to technical direction, as well—this will make F1 the only racing series in the world where bite strength is also an engineering consideration.”

Critics are slamming the decision for creating an unfair advantage, with Mercedes principal Toto Wolff stating “Well this really hurts us, we can no longer sandbag because of the risk of sinking, you know… it is so not right how they’re doing this, es ist nicht fair!” 

Contrastingly, a Red Bull spokesperson expressed great interest in the development: “Sharks are pretty much at the core of our brand along with jumping off of tall shit and using GoPros. We’re currently inking a deal with both F1 and shark geneticists to fill the pools with Red Bull instead of water… hopefully people don’t piss into it too much.”

On the other hand, stock in Australian drivers Piastri and Ricciardo is rapidly rising as teams look to gain an advantage in this new era. When asked for their commentary, they said, “Not really sure what they expect to do, mate. I mean, I might be Aussie, but this is really putting too many shrimps on the barbie, y’know mate?”

However, despite Australian drivers’ extreme reluctance, they’re still being pushed to the forefront of this new innovation. Rumour has it that Australian drivers are undergoing fierce training already – operating their cars under 9 feet of water, dodging shark attacks, and managing to drive while missing at least two limbs. 

“There are a ton of ways to lose your limbs,” Australian coach, Oliver Williams, tells us. He points to an elaborate table with different headings – limbs – and the numerous ways one can lose them in a shark attack. “We simulate different combinations on our drivers while they’re driving 9 feet underwater.”

Reportedly, Australian drivers are adapting to this rigorous training regime rather quickly. 

“I mean, it’s not like I haven’t done this before,” Piastri says. “But that doesn’t mean I wanna do it.”

In any case, Australians will be the team to look out for during the next Formula 1 races. Will they evade shark attacks with ease, just like they avoid the treacherous attacks of magpies during swooping season? So far, Toike’s answer is “honestly, probably, yeah.” 

In unrelated news, dozens of aero kids have suddenly expressed a desire to switch to hydro.