Friends and fellow Skuligans, in honour of this completely normal and not at all weird Toike theme, I think it’s finally time we destigmatize…uh…being sexually attracted…to sharks. I, uh, I myself have been sexually attracted to, uh, sharks…since I was a kid. Yeah, I was watching an episode of Friends – “The One with the Sharks” – and I just thought, wow, sharks are pretty sexy. Why wouldn’t Chandler want to…jerk it…to nature’s, uh, sexiest sea-creature.
Okay, I’m pretty sure Nat and Deeksha only ever read article titles and maybe the nut graf so I think I’m safe to get to the real point of this article: I THINK EVERYONE AT THE TOIKE WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH A SHARK AND IT’S STARTING TO FREAK ME THE FUCK OUT!
I guess it started when Nat suggested that we make one of the issues Shark-themed. And sure, lots of joke themes get thrown out at exec meetings, but, as you can see, the exec approved the theme. Unanimously, in fact! Now, believe it or not, none of this was particularly unusual. I mean, Shark Toike isn’t even the weirdest theme we’ve ever done (remember Onion Toike?). No, things only got strange on Monday (probably several weeks ago now), when we had the idea meeting. And the vast majority of the ideas had a common theme: sharks are sexy!
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for niche sexual kinks – hell, my favourite article was that one that one in which the writer got nailed by Senator Bernie Sanders. I still think about him. His hands around my throat. His thick, wooly mittens warming my neck as he applies just enough pressure to – sorry. I got a little…carried away there.
Where was I? Right, everyone else at the Toike is weird and I’m normal. Now, usually I just ignore weird kinks like these (I ignored right-wing media’s freak out over the green M&M wearing sneakers instead of high-heals, and the time a Toike writer said he wanted the blue M&M to fuck him (seriously, why do people need to sexualize candy?)), but I’m starting to worry that this particular obsession is going to lead to some horrific injuries for people I consider to be very close acquaintances. And maybe even the young, impressionable readers who trust the Toike.
Honestly, writing this article isn’t enough. I need to get VP Comm to canc-
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I’m sorry if my completely ridiculous rant came off as kink-shaming. The truth is, I just wasn’t ready to accept how completely sexy sharks are. BUT I AM NOW! AND YOU SHOULD TOO!
Editor’s Note: The opinions expressed in this piece belong to the writer and the writer alone. Especially those last few sentences, which are objectively correct and were definitely written by the same person who wrote the rest of the piece. It seems like they made a real breakthrough and I for one am very proud of them for doing so. I know it’s irregular to say that in an Editor’s Note, but this is my last issue, so I’ll do whatever the fuck I want to.
