TORONTO — Breaking news: it seems as though all of the raccoons in the city of Toronto are displaying characteristics of human Torontonians; if you are new to the city, you should be careful not to confuse the two. Local citizens have been sending in letters to the Mayor, telling stories of raccoon-human confusion.
“I was on my way to meet my friend Garry for lunch,” explains Doug, a Toronto resident. “I saw Garry, well, at least I thought I saw Garry, but when I went to meet him and got a closer look, I realized it was actually a raccoon! How was I supposed to know it wasn’t Garry, what with this raccoon wearing a Raps jersey and yelling, ‘Yo I’m finna flex deez kicks fam, yah eh?’ Anyways, it was a confusing situation to say the least.”
Authorities have noticed this epidemic of confusion, and have released a list of guidelines to help Torontonians decide whether they are interacting with their human friends, or raccoons. Some points are listed below, and the Toike Oike encourages you to review them before your next outing:
- If you see someone with small human-like hands, make sure to double check whether they are real human hands rather than raccoon hands. Studies have shown that raccoon hands are easily mistaken for human hands by the average Torontonian.
- If you see someone eating food from a garbage can, your first thought might be “ah that’s just Sharon getting lunch,” but be wary! It may very well be a raccoon, and you’ll never know until you get a closer look.
- If you see someone wearing a Toronto sports team’s jersey or merch, you will definitely have the hardest time determining whether they are a human or a raccoon. Seems like even months after the NBA finals, people and raccoons alike are still wearing their Raps merch; you may never know for sure whether you’re talking to a human or a raccoon while discussing game 6.
Should these three points not suffice in aiding you to determine whether the creature was human or raccoon, please see the Toike Oike’s seventy-three page magnum opus on the subject for more ways to distinguish between the two.