Ottawa, ON – In an address last Monday, President of the Dairy Farmers of Canada J.P. Creamer revealed from the steps of their national headquarters that all dairy products were in fact vegan. 

“Vegans refrain from consuming all animal products,” sprayed Creamer. “What we are here to tell you is that, while milk does come from the teats of mammals like goats and cows, these are not truly animals.

“They are revenue-generating, dairy-producing carbon sacks, similar in nature to an almond – which does not produce real milk, merely a milk-like juice.” 

When pressed by this reporter for elaboration upon their comments referring to goats and cows as “not truly animals,” Creamer responded as follows:

“You like cheese, don’t you? Who doesn’t like cheese? Cheese is delicious. I would murder my own kids for cheese. They were conceived on a twenty-two-pound wheel of Oka, soy boy. Both of them – my spouse and I sleep on cheese. Y’know what we use as a blanket? A cover of hand-woven cheese strings, which are made from real Canadian milk. Y’know what we use as pillows? Two bags of microwaved two-percent, you fucking traitor. What’s your name anyway, huh? Y’know we have ways of making people disappear? You’ll be gone faster than you can say ‘semi-skimmed,’ ya goddamn soy-fucker. We’re in the pockets of every cop and politician from Victoria to St. John’s, you can’t stop us. So just shut-up about the cows and have some local three-year-old cheddar before I kidnap your dog, ok?”

At time of writing, Creamer had recently gotten into more hot water following years-old Tweets discriminating against the lactose-intolerant.