NEW YORK CITY, USA – Fox News Channel has issued a statement apologizing to the public for their “irresponsible coverage” of the Ebola crisis in 2014. The statement, which cites the extremely small US death count attributed to Ebola (2 persons) as proof that the channel overreacted to the crisis at the time.  

Fox Corporation Chairman and CEO Lachlan Murdoch issued a separate but related statement saying that he deeply regrets the way his company exaggerated the risks posed by the disease, adding a statement of his regret directed at President Obama for the way his employees berated and denigrated the then-Commander in Chief both on-air and in-print with the company’s complete support. 

“It has recently come to my attention that 2 is in fact less than 200,000, so I must extend my regrets to Former President Obama and his administration, though we will not be printing any retractions whatsoever.” 

… 

K, I can’t keep writing this. I’m honestly surprised I got past the first paragraph. I know satire typically requires some suspension of disbelief but even my powers of bullshittery aren’t strong enough to keep going on this one. Unfortunately, satire has been dead for the past several months so this is what I’ve had to resort to: a concept so unbelievable that I would need to shout it through several feet of ice to tell Satan. Obviously in this scenario, Hell is basically the opposite of Dante Alighieri’s description of it from the Divine Comedy. But a former reality star is President so what the fuck do I know about impossible occurrences? I need a fucking drink.  

I guess what I’m trying to say is this: if even the smallest part of you believed the headline for this article, then I have a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you. 

Just leave me with my Scotch and read some less depressing articles, alright?