Estimated $15,000 worth of damage to egos incurred

The social uproar in the suburbs of Toronto has grown to the point where Mayor John Tory has declared a state of emergency. Schools have been closed, and work on the Eglinton Crosstown LRT has been brought to a screeching halt. The municipal government is contemplating instigating a curfew in the area.

“Fam, they don’t respect us. Mans be cheesed, bruh,” said Jack Green, one of thousands of high schoolers refusing to go back to class unless the situation improves, “mans been disrespected. Wait till I tell my father about this!”

Mr. Green is a member of a GTA-based human rights group, fighting to improve the lives of middle class to upper-middle class millennials in his area. The organisation’s demands include dropping the price on several luxury products, including Roots sweat-clothes and Apple products. The self-titled “Millenial Collective” prides itself on being a real champion of the people, fighting to lower the cost of living in Toronto.

“Yo, bruh, I been struggling since they raised the price for the venti caramel frappuccino,” said Breanne Jones while texting on her rose-gold iPhone 8 from her Audi A5, “it’s like they don’t understand our situation out here. I’m going to university next year – how they expect me to afford my own apartment in Toronto and my Netflix subscription? This is why I joined the fight.”

What began as a peaceful protest blocking the progress of construction on the new transit line quickly evolved into a fullblown revolution, highlighted by the sack of Yorkdale Shopping Centre. For the local government, this resulted in the loss of an important economic resource and strategic point. This is the second time Yorkdale has fallen to millennial revolutionaries in 2017, the first being during the violent Avocado Revolution that resulted in the smashing of two iPhone screens and a pair of Beats headphones. The Collective are now in prime position to march on the mostly-ceremonial Town Hall.

“We gonna get bare subsidies, fahm. Tory best listen because he’s oppressing us. This is generational discrimination, fam.” added Green, who was setting up a makeshift barricade in the second-floor Foot Locker.

At time of publishing, the revolution’s leaders were trying to rally their supporters before they lost interest and moved on to something else, as millennials have been known to do from time to time.