Recent data from Correlated ‘n’ Biased Testing, Inc. (C’n’BT for short) has sent waves through the medical field, upturning decades of clinical experience and best practices such as “do not swim with 300 pound fish that have as many teeth and literally move while sleeping what the fuck is wrong with you.”

In the study, 30 depressed people were presented with a questionnaire of essay-prompt questions about family trauma interspersed with multiple choice math questions. To encourage participants to try their best, administrators punished wrong answers with a shallow cut and a pinch of salt. “We really made sure to hit that 30 participant mark so we could get that sweet sweet σ instead of a stupid s—we’re aiming to get a paper printed one day, but I can’t afford any ink and the old hag at the library’s computer lab is a stickler for statistical significance” said one researcher asked for comment.

After the questionnaire, participants were Double Blind-folded, tossed in a truck, and dumped into the shark tank at SeaWorld, where many of the researchers moonlight as custodians. After an adequate period, they were removed from the tank and the same test was administered again.

“The results were astounding. 29 of the participants now reported absolutely no history of family trauma and they didn’t get a single question wrong! Interestingly enough, these were the same 29 subjects that received cuts during the first questionnaire… this could prove an interesting avenue for future testing.”

The 30th test subject, a fucking nerd engineering student who got all the math questions right, was unavailable for comment.