UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO, TORONTO – For over a century, there has been an uneasy peace between U of T students and the native pigeons of the downtown core. As the student body continues to boom and the campus expands ever outward, the local pigeon populace has come under threat from their noisy neighbours. Some pigeons have begun to fight back against their oppressors. 

“Step off, bitch. These be my breadcrumbs,” cried switchblade-wielding Peter ‘Petey the Pigeon’ Pidgeotto at first-year EngSci Sam “Sad Sam” Samentino. 

Petey the Pigeon is one of many local pigeons who have succumbed to the pervasive avian gang culture in Toronto. Beginning as an enforcer for the twig-trafficking “Birds of Prey,” Pidgeotto eventually rose up to become a captain in the gang, controlling the engineering territory to the east of St. George Street. He then split from the Birds along with his followers, forming the “Wings of Hell,” an aggressive outfit engaged in a turf war with all three mineral engineers. 

Along with engaging in twig-trafficking, the Wings also run a nest protection racket south of College Street and deal illicit birdseed in Queen’s Park. They have been known to engage in fly-by poopings targeting incoming engineering students, leaving many F!rosh coated in their foul faeces. 

Despite efforts at peace talks between EngSoc and the Wings of Hell, mediated by the Toike Oike and their crack team of Pigeon-English translators, tensions remain at an all-time high. The Wings have demanded that the Engineering Society yield the upper floors of Wallberg and a tithe from their fundings. The student union countered with an offer of Haultain and “cool little leather jackets that’ll make ‘em look rad.” 

The Toike Oike advises all F!rosh to take a page out of the Wu-Tang Clan songbook and protect ya neck on campus this September, especially if you find yourself on Petey the Pigeon’s turf.