VERY MUCH TORONTO, TORONTO – It has been reported by factual, credible sources that although its existence has been confirmed, no one knows exactly where or what the fuck Etobicoke (e-toe-bee-coe) is. Right now as I type, Microsoft Word can’t even comprehend the word Etobicoke, and keeps putting the red squiggly under it.

Rumour has it that the infamous “Etobz” is somewhere far West of Downtown Toronto, maybe in or around Saskatchewan. We’ve all seen people from Etobicoke get on the Westbound train, but where do they go after Kipling? Is there anything out there? “Probably not,” said Mayor John Tory when asked for comment. His statement was met with nods of agreement and shrugs of indifference from fellow high-ranking city officials. 

What does one do in a place like Etobicoke? Is there electricity? Do they know what the wheel is over there? Some say that the people who find themselves in Etobicoke are sucked up into a suburban wormhole, suddenly experiencing the urge to sign up their non-existent children for organized sports.

“I knew a guy from Etobz once,” explains Jenny, a Min student. “Sometimes he would talk about what it’s like over there… he said that all you could see for miles were big houses, a Costco, and ESA students sitting in random little parks burning incense and chanting.”

Although a lot of information is still lacking in our knowledge of Etobicoke, one thing we know for sure is that it’s a weird place, and in all aspects is completely separate from the Toronto we know and love.