One of the worst kept secrets in Canadian politics has been officially outed – Prime Minister Stephen Harper is, in fact, a robot. Earlier today, hacktivist group Anonymous released the “Harper Code”, written in the obsolete programming language LISP. Toike Oike reporter Dixie Normous interviewed an Anonymous representative, who wished only to be referred to as “Deepthroat”, regarding the code. Their conversation follows*:
Normous: How did you come to find the Harper Code?
Deepthroat: Well, we were just casually hacking the CPC servers when we stumbled across a folder called ‘Not my Pr0n!’ Naturally, we had to open it.
N: Were you expecting the recently leaked Layton, Mulcair exposé?
D: Yeah, but we didn’t find it. We were really looking forward to it, too ;) [sic] We did find the file ‘$F35.lisp’, though. The main challenge we had was in finding a machine that could actually compile this defunct language. We had to pick up a Commodore 64 from Craigslist to run it.
N: Was it the Harper Code? What did you see?
D: It was! It didn’t compile, which probably explains most of his policies… The code was only 42 lines long and contained like, 69 syntax errors. At least. There also seemed to be quite a bit of memory leakage, too. My favourite part was this awkward function we found just before we were caught, called ‘(defun justNotReady)’ – we could barely make sense of it. It spewed out fearmongering nonsense about Justin Trudeau and marijuana policy reform, winter coats, and child care or something. Best of all, if any query took more than two seconds of computational time, the entire program would hang up and crash. We loved that part; we’d just keep asking about funding the CBC, and it crashed 100% of the time.
N: Any big plans for the Harper Code? Maybe release a hot patch?
D: Sorry, Dixie, but I have to get back to our current project to hack Deep Blue. The Harper Code might run better on that. I’d love to say more but I’ve been given a gag order…
N: Deepthroat? Are you there? Deepthroat…
On a related note, Pierre Trudeau’s C source code was also released this week. It simply contained an infinite loop of printf(“Fuddle duddle! \n”).
*Interview has been edited for content
 “New Democratic Desires,” The Toike Oike, October, 2015.