Fact: Every time you masturbate god kills a kitten. How many more have to die? As of March 10th, 2020, recent scientific studies have been showing a strong correlation between the lack of teenagers in public settings and the death of kittens worldwide. This upswing in feline mortality started off seeming as a complete coincidence, […]
TO STEVEN SPIELBERG AND COLIN TREVORROW: Dear sirs, I hope this letter finds you well. I understand that you are both busy people – more Steven than you Colin, but you hang in there – so I’ll get straight to the point. As a longstanding member of The Toike Oike – U of T’s and, […]
CENTRAL PRECINCT, GOTHAM CITY – Late Wednesday night, Gotham City Police Commissioner James Gordon announced that the vigilante known as Batman had been detained for his continued and blatant violation of the federal mask mandate. “For years, Batman has been allowed to operate as Gotham’s shield against supervillains because he was protecting people,” said Gordon. […]
NEW YORK CITY, USA – Fox News Channel has issued a statement apologizing to the public for their “irresponsible coverage” of the Ebola crisis in 2014. The statement, which cites the extremely small US death count attributed to Ebola (2 persons) as proof that the channel overreacted to the crisis at the time. Fox Corporation […]
With Toike staff quarantining across the globe, the Toike has been able to uncover articles such as this one from regional affiliates from around the world, including Great Britain. Written sometime in late 1940 by an anonymous resident of Westminster in London, “If I wanta read durin’ the nighttime, I will, arright Guv?” was an […]
Editor’s Note: At the start of quarantine, Toike writer Edward Graham decided to keep track of his daily routine for posterity’s sake. The resulting journal details everything he did each day during quarantine as well as his inner thoughts and feelings. The journal was found in a Toike Google Drive folder with the most recent […]
Imagine: you wake up, light is streaming through your window. The birds are chirping, the air is crisp, and you’re excited for a brand new day. But then you remember that you’re basically stuck in your house, room, or roofless greenhouse (cause some SFU student moved back in and took your room). That light streaming […]
Getting takeout every day, especially fast food, is both financially irresponsible and incredibly bad for one’s health. Countless studies have shown that fast food is extremely high in fat, cholesterol, sodium and countless other ingredients that have an adverse impact on a person’s health. Moreover, all takeout places charge you for food preparation, making daily […]
OH MY GOD! THE HUMAN’S HOME ALL THE TIME NOW! WE GET ALL THE HEAD SCRATCHES AND BELLY RUBS WE WANT AND AND AND SOOOOO MANY MORE TREATS AND– WILL YOU SHUT UP! I have such a headache already. The human needs to get the fuck out of my face. I’m fine letting that […]
Staying at home all day is so boring, I swear I’ve run out of Tik Toks to keep myself busy. I just woke up from my 3pm nap and started scrolling through my feed but I’ve already learned the Renegade so what’s even the point. God, why is my life so hard? Yeah, tell […]
