When I heard the name “Shark Tank,” my first thought was, “At last, a shark sitcom.” For years, the only role a shark could play in television was a cold heartless predator. Finally, we break free from that completely inapt typecast!
I could already picture the characters. Five roommates tackling shark life together: a great white, the vain playboy; a whale shark, the funny one; a voluptuous catshark, the whale’s love interest who doesn’t like the whale first, but ends up falling for him; a goofy hammerhead with a dark secret; and finally, a dolphin, who was kicked out of his pod and now finds unexpected support in the sharks. Together, over 8 seasons, multiple adventures and Emmy wins, this oddball group becomes a staple for weekly television that sharks around the world rely on, not only for entertainment, but also for comfort. With this eager anticipation, I hit the play button on the first episode of a show that I envisioned as the first shark-centered TV show.
Needless to say, I was baited into watching some divorced middle aged men pitch some useless product taken straight out of a praxis lecture to some insipid multi-millionaires. What really chafes my tight butthole, though, is that these so-called “sharks” are actually some brain dead octogenarians, rather than actual sharks. There are plenty of sharks in the ocean with business pedigrees who are much more accomplished. Why go for Mark Cuban, when you could have the much superior Shark Cuban?
What’s more, this show is based purely on aquatic stereotypes, and reduces a very emotional and complex species to just some entrepreneurial predator! As if Hollywood wasn’t already rife with the misrepresentation of sharks. Need I bring up the Jaws series? Only a psychopathic galeophobe like Steven Spiel-jerk would create such outrageous anti-shark propaganda. For our above sea level readers who are unaware of this, Human-Shark relations hit an all-time low with that film. Only after the release of the viral sensation “Baby Shark” (the only true representation of sharks in media today, in my opinion) did they return to pre-Jaws numbers. The only worse thing Spiel-jerk did was plaguing the silver screen with that ugly ballsack alien.
Besides, what sort of sadistic individual even enjoys watching this show? What is even mildly entertaining about watching some people pitch a fucking vegan plant-based dildo that’s also a waterbottle or something (idk I stopped watching after 2 episodes) to a bunch of billionaires?
I must also mention that by watching this show, you not only increase the explicit misrepresentation of sharks, but you are complicit to the economic exploitation these “sharks” use to obtain their wealth. To add the cherry on top, you endorse an oligopolistic economic model wherein the only way for a business to grow is by sacrificing their virginities to conglomerates owned by the so-called “sharks.” So, if you’re an anti-shark engineer who jerks off to unintelligible prototypes made out of dollar store junk and supports economic malpractice, then this show is for you.
Final Rating: ⅘, Barbara is such a GILF, what I wouldn’t do her with my massive claspers.
