Sharks. They slink around. They swim around. They flippity floppity splishity splooshity splash around. One could say they even shark around. But what does it mean to shark? Sharkity shark shark. I am going insane.
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Disclaimer: All shark facts and opinions are the sole opinion of the Merk Getler, praise be to He. All sharks were harmed in the making of this article – but only in a deeply personal and emotional sense. The Toike Oike doesn’t care about your feelings and wishes you a happy rest of your day. Questions and concerns can not be brought up, and no one would be happy to field any questions pertaining to sharks. The Toike Oike takes no responsibility for your eventual death (likely via shark) and wishes to disassociate from you, you filthy animal (unlike sharks). Please do not talk to us or our sharks ever again.
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When sharks are mentioned, what’s the first thing that comes to mind? Is it their alleged bloodthirsty nature (they can smell blood from over 6.9 miles away)? Perhaps the seemingly unending rows of razor sharp teeth? Or maybe, just maybe, the overwhelming realization that your favourite all-you-can-eat sushi place sells shark fin soup and while you feel really really bad about supporting such an establishment, you are a) broke and b) in need of all-you-can-eat sushi and c)why are sharks less worth eating than, say, pigs, or even cabbage, anyway?
All very common questions, but prepare to cast them aside! Following a Mariana’s-Trench-deep investigation (making witty references is getting tougher and tougher), a 40-minute study session in the Earth Sciences Building and stubborn mastery of a David Attenborough impression, this Toike reporter is here to enlighten you – nay – to sharklighten you, haha! Buckle up and straddle on your best shark strap-on (hat, of course); here are some of the most coveted, most elusive shark facts! Now, next time you have a weakening moral dilemma about shark fin soup, you too can cry in a public restaurant! Maybe I should’ve tipped them better.
- In the Animal Kingdom
Sharks play a unique part in the animal kingdom (are you imagining a panoramic view of the Pacific ocean, as the camera pushes up to reveal a golden sunset? You should be.). Having flippity flopped to existence 420 million years ago, these slimy bastards have had their fill on ocean… activities. Usually characterized by their dark, pill-shaped body, sharks love to hunt fish and other sea animals. Over time, these slippery creatures have swam? swum? their way to occupy one of the top spots of the food chain.
- In the Food Chain
The ocean food chain is an interesting one. Although sharks are tremendous predators with better eyes than humans – which, considering how many of you losers have glasses isn’t saying much – they still aren’t at the utmost top of that little pyramid graph. That’s right – Shark Tale(2004) lied to you. The infamous great white, for example, is still preyed upon by orcas. (Don’t get me started on those fuckers. Those sandpaper-skinned water pandas are the nastiest creatures you will ever meet. They eat sharks, for god’s sake. Like, I don’t know anything about them (I’m a shark expert, not an orca expert), but what else do you need to prove they are the biggest jerks?)
- In BDSM
For all you readers who are scared of shark bites: sharks don’t like the taste of human meat (the key difference between your mom and sharks, really) and most shark bites occur out of curiosity. Not to invalidate your fear, or anything, but have you considered getting a new one? It is important to mention, however, that shark bites can also be the result of looking like a sharkie snacc or because they think they are threatened by your booming masculinity.
- In Love and War
Despite this, during the Second World War, the United States were able to train sharks to eat the Axis forces – actually modifying what sharks considered “bite-worthy”. We wont bore you with the Pavlovian conditioning that went on – how they could even choose which Axis Power they preferred based on what food was most popular in sadi country (forza, Italia), but the point is that by weaponizing nature’s submarines, there were 263 confirmed Axis casualties. Many of these were from sharks sinking German U-boats; apart from ship convoys, sharks were the second most effective deterrent to U-boats. Ironically, Axis powers were unable to train orcas as countermeasures, and ended up with SeaWorld instead.
- On Screen and Behind the Scenes
Sharks also played a vital role in industry. In cult classic Sharknado, many human roles were actually motion captured from sharks as the actors striked. Sharks also play a vital role in the film Despicable Me. The main antagonist, Vector, has a pet great white shark, who plays a key supporting role as Vector’s shark. This shark is present when Vector plays video games providing strong commentary on the practice of keeping exotic pets. Ultimately, both these films aid in showcasing the strong activist presence that sharks have had in Hollywood.
- Facts.
Finally, there are a number of fun shark facts that no proper shark article would be complete without. Firstly, Sharks are actually genetically related to seagulls. This can be seen in the behavioral patterns of both animals, as well as body-shape. No, we will not be justifying this fact. Secondly, sharks have six senses and can actually sense the electric fields put out by prey at close range.
Finally, sharks are constructed by the Chinese government to combat western birds. (32.95009N, 120.89905E)
