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Nostalgic for being amid flames again, civilians now claim that they “miss the pretty lights” following the end of Australia’s forest fire season. Given Australia’s bleak atmosphere and singular (1) fun fact being that their toilets flush backwards, government officials understand that this is an unsurprising turn of events. The forest fire outbreak was by far one of the only entertaining catastrophes Australia managed to conjure up in recent years, gaining a lot of publicity through social media coverage as a result. Salty, after losing the World Cup bid, Australians yearn to be back in the spotlight, and would do almost anything to get it back. In turn, they are also thoroughly upset about all the publicity Qatar is getting for its treatment of its immigrant workers, as they are sure they could have done better with their amazing immigration policies.

As such, Australians continue to deprioritize their endangered koala species and would rather focus on winning back the attention of the world by expanding their iron ore mine, and consequently, destroying the sacred Juukan Gorge caves. Since these caves were one of the earliest known sites occupied by Australia’s First Nations people, Rio Tinto – the mining company that was legally allowed to blast the caves – was rightfully disappointed that Australia did not receive much publicity for destroying 46,000 year old land that was rich in Indigenous cultural heritage. However, Australia trudges forward, motivated to do more to win back their lost social media coverage by steadily depleting their natural resources and cost-efficiently, but swiftly, doing the bare minimum to combat climate change.

Australia claims that it should be awarded the title “Continent of Light”, because even if they aren’t successful in bringing back their forest fires, they are sure they can do more to gain publicity in other ways.