While you shiver from loneliness on these colder December nights as the glaciers melt and another year of climate change awaits us both, let me tell you a holiday story:
This one especially raw night, I stumbled into the subway station at 1:00 am, my cheeks flushed from the stinging cold and my entire being craving a certain specific warmth. My long, shaky fingers fumbled as they tried to take my Presto card out of my wallet, rubbing against each other in an attempt to gain enough feeling to pry it from between my 5 cancelled credit cards, trembling with hope. Upon success, my spirits were almost immediately crushed when I tapped it and got rejected for my lack of available funds. Upset that I blew up all my money on silicone penis massagers again this month as well as desperate to hop onto a subway car to escape the cold, I ran back from the tapping stations to the reload machines, and attempted in vain to find enough cash in my wallet to buy a ticket. However, after thoroughly searching around the 25 unused condoms and coming up 10 cents short, I gave into my tears and dejectedly sat on the frigid steps of the subway station to curse the government.
The 90 year-old station worker, happily asleep on his chair at the late hour, let out a loud moan and then smiled in amusement at my pain. I knew this situation was my own fault for not paying my credit card bills on time, but at that moment, feeling the cold from the steps seep through my thin Lululemon pants, all I could picture was the tantalizing woman peacefully asleep back home in the house I inherited from my drag-queen uncle, probably not waiting up for me. She was my government-assigned girlfriend, who shall remain unnamed, dearest reader, as to not alert her to this article. Dazed, I pulled out my phone to stare at a picture of her, wondering whether or not to call her in this auspicious time of need. My heart fluttered when she popped up on the screen, and though I have fought long and hard to resist my feelings for her, I couldn’t help but feel an intense warmth in my lower regions. However, this warmth came with a bitter saltiness only I knew of, as the thought of her prompted the thought of my own dissatisfaction, as she claimed that the government assigned her to me for warmth purposes to save energy in this cold winter, and that she did not owe me anything more than occasional cuddles. In order to make her want to touch me more, I tried not paying my electricity bills so that they would cut me off and it would be colder at home, but unfortunately, this infallible plan failed. All it did was make her resent me for our lack of electricity, though I repeatedly tell her I did it to save the environment, hoping it would increase my attractiveness in her eyes.
Shivering with bitterness, at that moment I desperately wished for nothing but her presence. I wished for her to order me into submission, warm me up in ways my penis massagers could not. Alas, she wasn’t here, and even if she was, I had a disappointing feeling that she would not have given in to my vulnerable hopes.
Forlorn, I snapped my phone shut and grappled with the zipper on my Louis Vuitton backpack, prying it open to take out my best vibrating penis massager. Turning it on, I closed my eyes and leaned against the frosty wall adjacent to the steps I was sitting on, feeling its warmth as it vibrated with excitement.
I know what you’re thinking I did next, dear reader, but I promise you there was nobody there and I genuinely thought the old station worker was asleep. Before you berate me, I must let you know that you have no idea what it’s like to live without both electricity and a sexually gratifying girlfriend. In my defense, my methods have always worked to provide me with warmth, and who knows the lengths you would go to if you were in my inauspicious position.
Now, to finish off my anecdote, I didn’t get home that night. However, I did find warmth in the jail cell that I was accompanied to. Though I will forever be upset that my best performing penis massager was unrightfully confiscated, I bid you happy holidays, dearest reader. I hope you thoroughly enjoyed my morbidly obscene tale.