Stop blaming the government and big corporations and fossil fuels when you already know who the real culprit is. Projecting your faults isn’t doing anyone any favors, so please keep reading to gain some self-awareness as I tell you why climate change is your fault and yours alone:
- You keep forgetting your reusable grocery bag at home when you go grocery shopping. So you just buy another reusable one when you get there because you’re scared of the judgment you may receive if you buy a plastic one. Now your pile of reusable grocery bags sit in your garage, never reused, preparing for their multi-century stay in the garbage dump. How delightful.
- You shower too much. I know you never mean to and the hot water feels really nice, but you just can’t keep going on like this. Admit you’re lonely and do something about it…please. You’re using up Lake Ontario.
- You’re vegan. You wiggle that fact into every conversation you could ever have, basking in your superiority complex for not wanting to eat other living beings. However, you’re eating up the earth instead. How is that any better? God, how do you sleep at night??
- You don’t smoke enough because you’re against pollution and lung cancer, but did you ever stop to think about how overpopulated we are as a species? Smoking kills, but you don’t bother to. Thanks a lot for helping out, we really appreciate your contribution.
- You’re a coward who doesn’t bother asking the turtles whether or not they actually want to be fucked with plastic. Keep munching on your paper straws, I guess you’ll never see whether or not the grass is greener on the other side.
- You carry around this huge hydro flask in public, avoiding judgment by claiming that plastic water bottles kill the turtles in order to live out your best hot girl life – but we all know what you’re hiding, you hypocrite. There’s no need to be a show off, your plastic surgery shows.
- You use toothpaste. Why even bother? It’s not like you have a social life, who’s smelling your breath to begin with? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
- You fart too much. The amount of methane you release into the environment is literally a hazard, stop eating the kidney bean burritos from Fat Bastard, you fat fucking bastard. Can’t you keep it in??
- You eat out too much – uhh take that however you would, but the influx of take out containers growing on your nightstand is starting to become an issue. Learn how to cook, you idiot sandwich.
- You cry too much. Do you understand the amount of water that you’re just letting slip away? Fuck you for being so emotionally healthy.
- You wear too much black. I understand you’re depressed and trying to look mysterious so you come off as more attractive (you narcissist) but your emo-ass is absorbing too much energy from the sun and heating up the earth. Stop. Find God.
- You’re too hot – this is why the glaciers are melting, you buffoon. Tone it down.
Basically, you’re just doing everything wrong. There’s more to this list, but it would be a waste of my precious time to list them all. Though I have so many better things to do rather than tell you why your existence is depleting the earth’s natural resources, I hope you gained some self-deprecation from reading this article and will now proceed to implement some much-needed changes to your daily life. Good luck, I believe in you almost as much as I believe climate change can end.