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Ontario bans single use plastics: Turtles cum in their pants

Breaking from Queen’s Park: The Ford government has announced a ban on single-use plastics province-wide, effective immediately. The ban comes only hours after Doug Ford apparently got the end of his tongue stuck in a pixie stick, suffering a minor boo-boo. The manufacturing world is reeling at this news, and the following industries are expected to be hit the hardest:

  1. Grocery Stores

Grocery stores are officially BYOB (bring your own bag)! Also, clamshell packaging is now replaced by a soft, squishy gelatin box that melts when you touch it.

  1. Clothing Stores

Those tiny little plastic things that attach the price tag to your clothes will be replaced by a 2-inch-thick metal bar. Hope you have bolt cutters!

  1. Healthcare

Catheters will now be re-used on a minimum of 10 patients. That number will increase to 20 patients if none of them have a weird growth on their junk (very unlikely).

  1. Adult Entertainment

Biodegradable sex toys are set to hit the market immediately. It is now strongly encouraged to use butt plugs for a maximum of 2 hours at a time to avoid decomposition.

  1. Modern Drinks

No more plastic straws. No more paper straws either. Just drink from the fucking cup with your mouth.

  1. Pizza

This is different from fast food because pizzas take like 20 minutes to cook. No more plastic table thingy in the pizza box, grow up.

  1. Your Mom

Your mom is actually not affected at all because she never uses condoms.

On a positive note, plastic product manufacturers have already announced a new material called Plastic 2. It uses twice the amount of oil as regular plastic to produce and emits CO2 on a minutely basis. Manufacturers predict record sales in the first quarter of 2023.