Breaking from Queen’s Park: The Ford government has announced a ban on single-use plastics province-wide, effective immediately. The ban comes only hours after Doug Ford apparently got the end of his tongue stuck in a pixie stick, suffering a minor boo-boo. The manufacturing world is reeling at this news, and the following industries are expected to be hit the hardest:
- Grocery Stores
Grocery stores are officially BYOB (bring your own bag)! Also, clamshell packaging is now replaced by a soft, squishy gelatin box that melts when you touch it.
- Clothing Stores
Those tiny little plastic things that attach the price tag to your clothes will be replaced by a 2-inch-thick metal bar. Hope you have bolt cutters!
- Healthcare
Catheters will now be re-used on a minimum of 10 patients. That number will increase to 20 patients if none of them have a weird growth on their junk (very unlikely).
- Adult Entertainment
Biodegradable sex toys are set to hit the market immediately. It is now strongly encouraged to use butt plugs for a maximum of 2 hours at a time to avoid decomposition.
- Modern Drinks
No more plastic straws. No more paper straws either. Just drink from the fucking cup with your mouth.
- Pizza
This is different from fast food because pizzas take like 20 minutes to cook. No more plastic table thingy in the pizza box, grow up.
- Your Mom
Your mom is actually not affected at all because she never uses condoms.
On a positive note, plastic product manufacturers have already announced a new material called Plastic 2. It uses twice the amount of oil as regular plastic to produce and emits CO2 on a minutely basis. Manufacturers predict record sales in the first quarter of 2023.
