Day after day, I see headlines starting with “OPINION:”

What’s the point? Are you gonna make an argument, put forth your case, and then finish with:

Works Cited

[1] Me.

If I wanted your opinion… Maybe, just maybe, I would’ve asked? I thought this was a newspaper, not a whatyouthinkpaper. If you’re submitting things to print in a fine establishment such as this, I would ask you to gather some legitimate sources and make a coherent argument.

Then again, a lot of these opinion pieces are in… less scrupulous publications that start with a “C.”

OPINION: Your Opinion About My Opinions is Stupid and I Don’t Wanna Hear It

Beth Godfrey

Quite the hypocrite, aren’t we Doris? Swinging at me and my beautiful Canun newspaper with, as you put it, a “Trust me.” Did you ever stop to consider whether I want to hear you?

My opinion is that your opinions about my opinions are stupid. Just the other day, I was telling my son what I think and you know what? He loved it. If he does, so should you, you withering rag. Get your opinions about my opinions out of my face.

OPINION: Your Opinion About My Opinions About Your Opinions is Stupid and I Don’t Wanna Hear It You Bitch

Doris Blunder

Oh Beth, you naive crackpot. Your son only listens to you because he doesn’t want you to find out about his affair with the neighbour. Your opinions are nothing but contrived, and the other ladies and I oft discuss your shit-for-brains takes over tea and biscuits.

Kindly keep them to yourself.

OPINION: Your Opinion About My Opinion About Your Opinions About My Opinions is Stupid and I Don’t Want Them Disgracing My Ears (And Also, Your Baking Sucks)

Beth Godfrey

Oh, Doris you dogmatic slut. Don’t think I don’t know what you’ve been up to since you were widowed. I refuse to sit here and take such criticism from someone whose apple pie came second at the fair (to yours truly, of course). Take your opinions and shove them where your baking belongs: the dumpster.