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Save the Environment, Start Smoking Today!

Lemme preface this article by saying this first: I don’t think I really and truly understand

the big fuss about climate change. I mean, okay yeah, I guess it would suck if all the ice

caps melted cause, then where would the polar bears live, but they could probably just come to

Canada and live here instead!! It gets super cold in the winter so maybe they can just live in

Barrie or something from November to April, and then stay inside with the AC on for the other

non-winter months. Boom. See how easily I fixed that problem? Honestly, everyone should just

come to me for advice all the time. I also have a really hot take on how we can solve two of the

world’s biggest problems at once. I firmly and truly believe that both global warming and

overpopulation could be solved if more people picked up smoking as a hobby.

If we were to think about it, what really is global warming? It’s just when everywhere

gets so excruciatingly hot that causes all the polar bears to drop dead. You know where else is

super-hot? Both stupid tiny Myhal elevators. The disgusting, grubby pit in SF. Robarts on a

Friday night. Now, what do all these places have in common? They’re all packed with people

basically 24/7! First-years are too lazy to take the stairs in Myhal, the pit is filled with all the

engineering students that lack the basic social skills to interact with other humans, and everyone knows that UofT students get absolutely no bitches, so they stay at the library studying all Friday night.

But what if these places had half the amount of people as usual? What if half of these

people picked up smoking as a hobby and just went ham on cigarettes during all their free time

over the next few years? They could even make a game out of it and see who could smoke the

most packs within a 1 week period, wherein the winner gets the opportunity to possibly tap out

of their super rigorous degree a little earlier than the others. Little do they know however,

eventually all these hardcore smokers would succumb to death, either by some sort of lung

disease or cancer, leaving the amount of people in the world to be half as much as usual, so it

wouldn’t be as hot all the time and therefore global warming would be stopped entirely, and all the polar bears wouldn’t have to move to Canada.

Honestly, I think it’s a win-win situation. Either half the people in the world die and

global warming is defeated, or the people who get addicted to smoking provide revenue for the

hardworking cigarette companies and they see an increase in sales! My expert advice is for everyone to do their part in hopes of keeping Barrie polar bears free. Save the environment and start smoking today!