Lemme preface this article by saying this first: I don’t think I really and truly understand
the big fuss about climate change. I mean, okay yeah, I guess it would suck if all the ice
caps melted cause, then where would the polar bears live, but they could probably just come to
Canada and live here instead!! It gets super cold in the winter so maybe they can just live in
Barrie or something from November to April, and then stay inside with the AC on for the other
non-winter months. Boom. See how easily I fixed that problem? Honestly, everyone should just
come to me for advice all the time. I also have a really hot take on how we can solve two of the
world’s biggest problems at once. I firmly and truly believe that both global warming and
overpopulation could be solved if more people picked up smoking as a hobby.
If we were to think about it, what really is global warming? It’s just when everywhere
gets so excruciatingly hot that causes all the polar bears to drop dead. You know where else is
super-hot? Both stupid tiny Myhal elevators. The disgusting, grubby pit in SF. Robarts on a
Friday night. Now, what do all these places have in common? They’re all packed with people
basically 24/7! First-years are too lazy to take the stairs in Myhal, the pit is filled with all the
engineering students that lack the basic social skills to interact with other humans, and everyone knows that UofT students get absolutely no bitches, so they stay at the library studying all Friday night.
But what if these places had half the amount of people as usual? What if half of these
people picked up smoking as a hobby and just went ham on cigarettes during all their free time
over the next few years? They could even make a game out of it and see who could smoke the
most packs within a 1 week period, wherein the winner gets the opportunity to possibly tap out
of their super rigorous degree a little earlier than the others. Little do they know however,
eventually all these hardcore smokers would succumb to death, either by some sort of lung
disease or cancer, leaving the amount of people in the world to be half as much as usual, so it
wouldn’t be as hot all the time and therefore global warming would be stopped entirely, and all the polar bears wouldn’t have to move to Canada.
Honestly, I think it’s a win-win situation. Either half the people in the world die and
global warming is defeated, or the people who get addicted to smoking provide revenue for the
hardworking cigarette companies and they see an increase in sales! My expert advice is for everyone to do their part in hopes of keeping Barrie polar bears free. Save the environment and start smoking today!