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Issue: September 2019

Citizens Confusing Raccoons for Human Torontonians

Posted on: September 21st, 2019

TORONTO — Breaking news: it seems as though all of the raccoons in the city of Toronto are displaying characteristics of human Torontonians; if you are new to the city, you should be careful not to confuse the two. Local citizens have been sending in letters to the Mayor, telling stories of raccoon-human confusion.  “I […]


Decoding the Toronto Lingo

Posted on: September 21st, 2019

Ayooooooo, so mans have BEEN complainin’ about how fucked up the way we speak is, and ain’t nobody trynna hear dat, so I’m finna bless all y’all with the shit you need to not look like a wasteyute when handling the Toronto Mandem.  Ahlie: Aight so not even gonna lie it takes a minute to […]


Local Man Arrested for Telling “Have a Nice Trip, See You Next Fall” Joke

Posted on: September 21st, 2019

TORONTO — Local dad-joke enthusiast Danny Chef, 37, has been arrested by the Toronto Comedy Police for telling a Class-4 Prohibited Joke. The incident in question occurred last Monday when a friend of Chef’s, Brett O’Grady, stumbled over a tree root while they were walking in the park. Witnesses claim that O’Grady tripped over the […]


Gandalf Fired from Border Services

Posted on: September 21st, 2019

BORDER SERVICES HQ, MISSISSAUGA – In a shocking turn of events, the Canadian Border Services Agency has announced that they have terminated Gandalf Greybeard, one of their oldest employees, from his post as a Border Services Officer.  “We will miss Gandalf and wish him all the best,” said Mr. Ronald Sow in a statement to […]


Lives of Sorrow: The Definitive EngSci Watching Guide

Posted on: September 21st, 2019

The following is a series of excerpts from Jim Badall’s new journal “Lives of Sorrow,” which details his two-year long study of nature’s most mysterious, untrusting and hostile creatures: the wild EngSci. Week 3: After months of searching, I’ve found the home of the EngScis. An inhospitable place, the Bahen centre appears to be the […]


Arthur in Toronto: A Poetic Analysis

Posted on: September 11th, 2019

“Arthur in Toronto” by Toronto Guy Cody is a comedic video that hits home for many Toronto Mandem because of the creator’s impressive ability to nail the stereotypical Toronto accent. What is seldom spoken of is Toronto Guy Cody’s innate ability to turn a one-minute long video into a poetic gem that is unmatched in […]


PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

Posted on: September 6th, 2019

A July 2019 study by Dr. A. Nell Prober, an Assistant Professor in the Faculty of Medicine’s Department of Proctology, has uncovered a correlation between certain purple dyes and the condition virginitas perpetuus. In particular, ‘gentian violet,’ widely employed in engineering frosh events across Ontario, was found to increase the likelihood of contracting the terminal […]


Summer/Fall Tourists Proving to Be a Tough Nut to Crack for Newcomer CAWAII Models

Posted on: September 6th, 2019

TORONTO — As summer enters full swing, the quadruped citizens of Toronto are faced with an insurmountable challenge before they can become an integral part of the Cute Animals With Adorable Antics IndustrI (CAWAAII). This industry began from humble beginnings, when the father of this field, YouTube user Sanchey, posted the first video of a cat […]


The Tank Ranks: The TTC Lines from Worst to Best

Posted on: September 6th, 2019

What’s going on everyone! It’s Tank here with your monthly “The Tank Ranks”. Now my friends in the street are telling me that there are some fresh faces at U of T this month and that a lot of them are new to the big city. Well, I thought that I should do my part […]


Toike Senior Staff Writer Gets Lazy, Submits Previously Published Article

Posted on: September 6th, 2019

ENGCOM – In a bold move worthy of immortalization on the U of T Wall of Shame, Senior Staff Writer Eduardo Graham has reportedly managed to set a new low bar for the failing Toike Oike by submitting a previously published article. It seems that Mr. Graham thought that an article from the November 2018 […]


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