VAMPIRES INFILTRATE BAHEN BLOOD DRIVE
TORONTO, CANADA – At 4:20AM last Tuesday, a resident Toike internet sleuth opened a letter containing an anonymous plea for help: Dear Sex-Starved Toike Staff, It all started as I was leaving Bahen, high on superiority (I’m an engsci) and excited to suck up to (off) a prof for a 0.1% increase on my exam. [...]
Opinion: Consider Sinking Your Teeth Into Nocturnal Living
Dear reader, be honest with yourself: living during the daytime is the world’s longest running psy-op. The sun blazes down on you, and constantly harasses you like an unpaid landlord. But in spite of this, you all dutifully stumble out of your homes barely awake, clutching your iced coffees to force your eyes open to [...]
Man Gets Bitten By Bat In ROM Bat Cave
In a shocking turn of events, a man has been bitten by a bat in the ROM bat cave, a favourite Royal Ontario Museum attraction for high schoolers, children, and university students. The man, UofT pre-law student Jon H., was sticking his head into one of the crevices in the cave when he felt “a [...]
This monthly column features a riveting conversation between brothers Norman and Gordon McLuhan from Moose Jaw. This month's column is about vampires! Gord: Holy shit, Norm, that portal was crazy. Norm: You're telling me, I hope that haunted portal didn't let anything weird into the world... Gord: Yeah, I was just saying that to my [...]
two of them tuesday
Parts of a Human Body and Their Edibility
Do vampires eat flesh? I don’t actually know. But what I do know is that, according to Science Magazine, the human body contains around 125,000 calories. It is important to isolate the body parts which contain these calories in order to ensure an efficient and nutritious diet, so I have taken the time to provide [...]
Looking for hot garlic loving singles (and couples ;) ) near me
I have a confession to make…I've never had garlic—I KNOW! The goth doesn't partake in garlic, what are you, a VAMPIRE?!? LMAO!! You live in ONE garlic free household for a couple decades (roommates amirite) and everyone thinks you're some sexy big shot leech. I WISH!! You're very much welcome to visit my home as [...]
Dracula is sitting stiffly on a velvet tuxedo-couch, fidgeting with the silver ring on his index finger, a gift from one of his brides, “she’s long gone by now—the work of a hunter,” he says. Dracula takes a sip of blood from a wine glass, the rich blood coating his long, sleek fangs. This is [...]
Flute in hand Why yes I'm in the band But not the band you're thinking of Quiet and nice We ran from the mice "What is this the beginning of?" We gathered and sang Then went out with a BANG " Wake up our friends above!" Hundreds we spanned Why yes we're in the bnad [...]
Have you ever met a ceiling rat? Formerly known as a Pit Rat, this friendly creature has now retreated to classrooms on the upper floors of the Sandford Fleming Building due to the ongoing Pit Renovation. Recently, one of these rats was spotted in SF2202, and even made its way to the ceiling. This was [...]
Russian Drone Flies Over Castle Dracula, Locals Angry At Breach Of Airspace
TRANSYLVANIA, ROMANIA. Children of the Night in Transylvania say a Russian drone has breached their airspace as Russia continues to have drones somehow enter NATO countries. Reports came from Castle Dracula early Sunday morning that a Russian drone had been detected flying overhead, which local resident Dr. Acula said was “outrageous as it hadn’t even [...]
In a break from our Vampiric content, we bring you some actual news from Western. Around their homecoming weekend, multiple installations found their way to the University of Western Ontario's campus. On the morning of October 1st, Western students were cheerfully greeted by a train, and a banner that declared “We’re so back.” The train, [...]
Three Bloodsucking Girl Feinds
bramstrokerReblogged joseph-sheridan-lefanu * Apr 20, 1987 thedracula-deactivated18941106 My three girlfriendsAnd yes, they drink blood jonathan-harkerdo they drink blood? thedraculaYes, actually. westenra-lucyyyyou mean she isnt just drinking blood? but human blood? thedraculaIt’s called a bunt…. Not just blood… And yes, it is a human blood bunt. They all drink human blood bunts before we kiss. (They [...]
Point / Counterpoint: Team Edward vs. Team Jacob
TEAM EDWARD TEAM JACOB First of all, Twilight is ABOUT vampires. Think about it, Edward Cullen is the ideal man. He’s a gentleman, he’s handsome, he’s cool, and he takes care of Bella and keeps her out of danger from the evil vampires. What’s not to love? Okay, (furry). Yeah maybe vampires are like, solidly [...]
When Dealing with a Vampire Problem, Don’t Make This Mistake
Let this be a warning to you all. It was October 3rd when it all started. After staying at my boyfriend’s house for the night, I came home in the early hours of the morning to find my chihuahua lying on the ground, eyes glossy and breathing strained. Immediately, I took him to the vet, [...]
As you have probably seen, something weird is going on on campus. People getting bitten by bats, rats in the ceilings, strange requests for partners or lifestyle changes, and that doesn’t even account for whatever freaky stuff people have been getting into in the ECE common room. And I rather suspect there’s another piece to [...]
Is Twilight Actually Bad? (And Why The Answer Is Yes)
Everyone who thinks about Twilight has one of two feelings: they either hate it, or they love to hate it. But Twilight can’t be that bad, can it? Sure it's a cheesy teen romance, and maybe Edward’s a stalker, and God that baby was SO CREEPY, and is Jacob in love with said baby? Ok, [...]
Is My Son Becoming More Human?
Hello everyone, concerned father here. Recently my offspring has been attending classes at a local high school, and has been making friends with humans. It would appear that he has stumbled upon a strange phenomenon, one that has been altering his character. I thought little of it, but he came to me one evening, speaking [...]
Today, President Donald J. Trump joined Administration officials to announce major progress in understanding the root causes of vampirism, which has exploded in diagnoses over the past two decades, and unveil bold new initiatives to tackle the vampirism epidemic. Predictably, the Fake News immediately went into frenzied hyperventilation with their usual smears, distortions, and lies. [...]
How to 69 on the ECE Common Room Couches
a Standard Operating Procedure (Rev. 1.2) by the Virgin Sex Columnist 1.0 Introductory Problem Statement Preliminary engineering observation shows that while couches exist in the Common Room, their potential as sexual activity-enabling infrastructure remains undocumented and under-optimized [1]. Students face a critical gap in opportunities for stress-mitigating intimacy. Attempts to fulfill this gap in alternative [...]
Blood Red Velvet Lava Cake Recipe
OHHHH BOYYYYYSYSYYSYSYSY FOLKSSSSS, Welcome to another article of “Random Recipes inspired by the Toike Theme that might work, but like also I have not experimented in any way so with this warning if your house burns down you can’t sue us because the warning is literally in the title of the series.” This week we’re [...]
Many are aware of the typical (boring) vampire, who is turned by a bite of a bat. However, there are many regional varieties of vampires endemic to Canada. These are far more interesting vampires with much higher salary potential*. Unfortunately, they come at the cost of getting bitten by some very different creatures in order [...]
Your death in a past life! AriesYou accidentally wandered into a cult meeting and got ritually sacrificed. TaurusUnfortunately, you were fatally charged at by a bull. GeminiYou were rescued from being burnt at the stake by being turned into a vampire. CancerFor your crimes, you were hung, drawn, and quartered. LeoYou predicted your own death [...]
Why don’t vampires like mosquitos?Too much competition. How do you kill a French vampire?You have to stab them with a baguette. It sounds easy, but the process is painstaking. Why don't vampires use autocorrect?Because they love Type Os. What's the difference between Jesus and a vampire?Where you stick the wooden stake. What do vampires drink [...]
BloodFeed – Which Vampire Is Your SOULMATE Quiz
What is your favourite subject in school? History English Biology Math Sex ed What is your favourite colour? Red Crimson Blue Purple Black What do you like to do in your free time? Hide in my castle Haunt my situationship’s dreams Stalk my crush Count things….1….2....3….4…5…. Bounce on it….. Crazy style…. What is your dream [...]
